It Ain't the Snow

You know, every now and then I think I don't like winter. But, skating home from work last evening, a trip that took three to four time as long as it would've if the roads had been clear, I decided that it's not winter I don't like. It's that life moves too quickly these days to be able to truly enjoy it.

When winter storms hit, whether the snow is only floating down slowly like feathers, or blowing sideways in sheets from the force of a nasty north wind, it's still a beautiful thing to witness. When the snow has fallen, and the full moon waxes to shine on it, giving the snow an ethereal blue sheen dusted with opalescent glitter, well, that's about as beautiful a sight as I've ever seen.
And then there are those ice storms, where every single thing out in the weather gets swathed in a crystal clear coating of ice. I mean everything: houses, cars, power lines, power poles, lawn decorations, trees, fences, even single specific blades of grass. I love walking on icy grass, hearing it crack and feeling it crunch under my feet.

Yeah, I still love winter.

The problem is that most of us today don't get to have snow days anymore. It shouldn't be that way. There's always some job we have to go to, some place we have to go. Life moves too fast. Heaven forbid we just slow down in the winter like almost everything else in nature. I'm thinking that's what winter, particularly when snow and ice takes over, is for...slowing down, and remembering that sometimes we need to just...be.

Here's part of a lyric to a song called 'Only Be,' by Eric Schwartz. To me, this is how winter should be:

Build me a cabin, surround me with snow.
Cuz I'd like to be where there's nowhere to go,
Someone beside me, sippin' on tea,
And under the afghan we'll be,
Only be.

Folks don't get to 'only be' anymore. That's what I don't like. It ain't the snow, it's the 'busy.'

On Mammograms

Okay...so...It's my birthday. 41.

I went yesterday to get my annual checkup. No big deal. No problem. The doctor was kinda cute, but I don't think he's been shaving long. What a pup.

Anyway, he told me it's time for the mammogram. I wasn't surprised. I managed to weasel out of it last year, because I wasn't quite 40 yet, and my other doctor cut me some slack. She was cool that way, but alas, she moved away.

So...I've been thinking about this mammogram stuff, and well, the subject of boobs is just stuck in my head now. I read the emails about how uncomfortable it is to get a mammogram, but as yet I don't know from any personal experience...Something about slamming them in the freezer?? And laying down on the driveway and having someone run over them with the car?? I'm not exactly looking forward to this...Does it hurt more or less if you have big boobs?

Now as a kid, I wondered why my Momma had to bend over forward to put on her bra. I guess it was about three years ago when I discovered from personal experience why that was necessary...It's gravity, plain and simple gravity. What once perked up now stretches for the gravel.

Now it's tin foil hat time...I have a theory, and it's a doosie. Probably complete and utter B.S., but I think it's an interesting 'what if'...

Think about it. Just when we women start reaching the age of truly discovering the effects of gravity, the medical professionals decide that we have to be tested for breast cancer (I know it's not a joke, and I don't mean to offend anyone). Now couldn't they have come up with some other way of testing? I mean here's this machine that from most descriptions I've heard, eerily resembles a combination of a hydraulic press and a taffy puller. Surely, they could've come up with something a little less abusive, something that didn't aid gravity?! (Do men have to have their prized parts sqeezed and pulled painfully to oblivion to check for lumps and cancer? I don't know, but I'm guessing not)...One wonders.

But it came to me. Isn't it convenient for the plastic surgeons, that now we get pulled, stretched, and mercilessly squashed, at the time when we progressively lose our perks? Between gravity and mammograms, I guess they're doing pretty well, those fellas. Implants anyone?

I've been looking at trees again

I saw a broken branch in the top of a tree again today. It had broken off the tree by weight, or age, or strong wind, maybe a combination of all three. Instead of falling all the way to the ground, it became tangled in the other branches of the tree. It's been hanging there, in some sort of limbo, for a couple of weeks, at least. Every time I see it, I wonder how much longer it will remain entangled by it's own inertia. It's life in the tree is finished, and it hangs suspended, just waiting for a good hard wind to knock it the rest of the way down to the ground. It has no control, can't move itself. It just hangs on, waiting for something to happen. Sometimes I feel like that branch, just hanging here, waiting for a good wind to knock me all the way down.

Hmmmm...maybe I oughtta stop lookin' at trees...

12/8/05 update...that poor old tired branch is still hanging there.

12/12/05 update...still hangin'.

12/19/05 update...you guessed it. still there

12/30/05 update...I think that branch is just gonna rot in place. We had some really nasty wind and rain this week, and the thing just hasn't budged. If anything, I think it may be wedged even tighter in the other branches...Kinda reminds me of a verse out of that old Bob Wills' song, 'Ida Red':

My ole mistress swore to me
When she died, she'd set me free.
She lived so long, till her head got bald,
Took a notion not to die at all.

Some things just ain't fair.

I'm not supposed to feel this way

(I may regret this, but...here goes.)



I'm Not Supposed to Feel This Way


I’m not supposed to feel this way.
I want.
I want…
To feel your warm skin next to mine
To feel and hear your heartbeat in my ear
To gaze into your questioning eyes as my heart pounds against your palm
To find out if your mouth is as sweet and tender as it looks
Would one taste be enough?

I want…
To see through to you the way I feel you see through to me
To hold you in the night
To be your comfort and heal your pain
To help you see your own beauty
To feel you tremble at the touch of my hand
To tremble at the touch of yours, in return
To speak the same language without a sound
Are you listening?

Look in my eyes.
Hear me. Please.
I can’t say it out loud

I am afraid…
To tell you what bubbles beneath the surface
To let on to you what I desire
Would you feel the same?
Would it frighten you as it does me?
Would you despise me?
Would you stay away?
Would it destroy everything that matters?
Would you forgive me for feeling this way?

I’m not supposed to...feel this way.
No, I’m not supposed to…
I’m not. I’m not.
I’m not supposed to feel this way.
Forgive my weakness, but it just won’t go away.